SO this will probably be more of a journal - don't feel like you should comment. (Feel free to offer wisdom and answers, if so moved.)
I am facing a very uncertain future - the L.A. adventure has been parent-approved as just that: an adventure, not a move. Promised not to quit my job until I have something else. But today I went through some stuff that I'm trying to garage sale in a couple weeks, and I just realized that I'm so sad to think of giving up my independence. That if I do this program, I am moving my furniture, my pictures, my wine glasses, my books and movies, into storage, possible not to be seen for several months. Yuck. That makes me feel sick. Giving up my independence because I'd be living in a friend's room in her house if I end up back here, living with who knows who if I ended up living in CA.
I don't understand how to read God sometimes. I used to feel pretty confident in my "gut" feelings on things. That if I prayed over something, after a while I could feel pretty confident on how I should act. Even if I didn't like the feeling, I knew what I needed to do, and I'd do it, resolved that I was following what God has for me. So why so much angst now? Is it because it's risk and big change? Change is always more difficult than status-quo - it's natural to feel some fear. Or am I struggling so much because it's not what God wants for me... because I'm not supposed to go? Why won't anyone just TELL me what to do?
Moving into this week post-Spring-Break with kids - gosh, I don't want to be a mess. I have to make my first tuition payment by next Monday - 450 bucks - yeah, that's commitment - so I've got about four days to figure this out. The sad thing is that I don't even know what I want - I know that I want passion in my life, in pretty much every meaning of that word, but I don't feel anywhere near having it. Teaching is almost a curse in its set-up - year to year, August to May with two months off... it lulls me into complacency, and I hate complacency. Because it seems to define me, probably.
Just needed to vent, to process a little.
2 comments:
okay, i'm gonna try this again,but it may not be as eloquent as before.
carlen ~ you need to make yourself happy-bottom line. you do not need anyone's permission to do that. this choice will effect your life, hopefully only in positive ways, but it cannot effect you if you don't follow through and do it. your heart lead you here for a reason, now is not the time to overanalyze and doubt. God knows what you need, He lead you here, you got in, you have the money, you have a place to stay, you need to do this because if you don't you will regret it forever. you are not losing your independence by staying in someone's room. you are losing personal space, but you are only gaining independence by making decisions for yourself and not based on what others think is best for you. i know it's scary. i've been there. and, i too, go through the question of whether God is guiding me, or am i just creating this. in the end you must trust your initial instinct. that was God. now, it's your mind tormenting you. did i make the right decision? is this the best choice for me? where is this road going to lead? what does this all mean? on and on and on.....just go and decide what your next move is after your class. please.
Remember your comment, "I tore out a page from my "Premiere" magazine the other day - the guy who plays Professor Moody in the new Harry Potter movie - Brendan something - didn't get into acting until he was 34. He was a teacher up until that point. A secondary teacher. The article said that he came to a "crossroads" and decided it was time to pursue his lifelong passion. That page got torn out and put on my bathroom mirror. He's no GQ pin-up guy, but he INSPIRES me. My wheels have been turning ever since I read it."
Please trust yourself!!!!
ps. I heart you.
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