February needs to get started

This is my 1st February post. It's the 12th. This is not OK. I had been on such a roll.

What to say? December and January were pretty tough - I am glad those months are over. I have attached myself to some quality blogs lately, blogs full of insight and poetry and poignancy. These are from people who I believe are kindred spirits for me, but for some reason, I just can't be poetic and theoretical on my blog (as they are.) Mine is just... "blech!" (That's a vomiting noise.) So I come here twelve days into the month, when I had hoped to maintain a five-blog-a-month minimum, realizing that like most New year's Resolutions, this one has gone to crap already, in month 2.

And it's now the 15th. I went ahead and kept the above draft, because it's ironic that in my lamentation about procrastination, I continue to procrastinate.

I am thankful for catching my breath now, as I didn't know where I was going there towards the turn of the new year. I continue to feel that my classroom is my one haven - my place of joy and contentment and competence. I'm truly incompetent in all other areas of my life right now. But I'm feeling that this is OK. I'm making strides in the friendship area, with acceptances of invitations for outings that surely would have thwarted me two months ago. I'm making phone calls - initiating them and returning them promptly, which are both big steps for me. I just never realized how introverted I could be. Always thought I was an "ENFJ" (as I truly used to be) but finding myself more in line with an INFP. The "NF" will apparently never change (see "Meyers Brigg" for what the hell I'm talking about.)

I don't know what the purpose of blogging is - I guess for me, I mean. It's closest to a public journal, for me, though I wish I could be more general in topic and thus more relevant for the casual reader. But let's face it - as my blog is private - not listed when you Google my name - it's really not meant to be culturally relevant - just personally impactful. In whatever way that turns out. Hence my unabashed admiration for blogs that can be remote, yet personal, poignant, yet detached. I don't know - I just don't have the artistic bent right now. It's just WHATEVER and it's out there. For carefully selected friends and people who might stumble on me from their blogs (hello, random stranger who made it this far.)

I'm thankful for... how funny that those first three words just came out of my fingers with no real idea of where they were going. I am thankful for... thankfulness. Things are not perfect, and the things that still plagued me and rattled me and flattened me at the turn of the year are still present. I guess it's truly a day-by-day surrender to what is. Some kind of weird acceptance of what God is doing with my f-ed up-edness. I trust that it is not forever - that I am daily being changed in some way to be more who I am supposed to be.

Seriously, too much to articulate. It hurts, but it is what it is. I am what I am (as Popeye said.) And I need to feel, really feel, the OK-ness of that.