Funk -y Town

This is one of those times when I feel like writing, but fear I may not have much of substance to say. If you're looking for inspired writing, I can recommend some other blogs. I seem to be in a funk. I let one confrontation at work and a Sunday of solitude get me into a royal funk. Actually. it started last night, and I guess today's solitude was an unhappy byproduct. I'm having these existential moments of wondering why I am here. On Earth, yes, and in Nashville, too. I looked at the Andrew Wyeths on my walls last night and pictured them in their spots in my old apartment. I missed my old life. Not enough to go back to it, though. Do you ever have those moments when you just look at your life as an observer and think "what the hell are you doing? What are you about? Who are you?" I do, perhaps a little too often. I'm probably pretty tough on myself, but somebody's gotta be (oh wait! There's that girl at work who likes to be hard on me.)



I think the New Year is a natural time to be reflective. To assess where you are in your life - to look at where you've been, how far you've come, and how you've gotten there - and to determine how that's all workin' for ya. As my friend Jay said tonight, I've had a lot of change this year, a whole lot, and she reassured me that's it's ok to feel overwhelmed. Gosh, I hope so. I think, too, there is so much pressure with the new year to effect change in your life, and what a high-pressure thing that can be when you just don't feel motivated or confident enough to make those changes. What a conundrum: to know (better than anyone) what needs to change, and yet not really care enough- or feel confident enough - to do what it takes to make it happen. Good grief - certainly there is NO one else who will care enough for you to do it - we all have our own very real stuff to deal with. And I think that's where it comes down to trusting God with your stuff. I haven't really done that in a while - I've felt his blessings, his rod of correction, perhaps :) , his presence in the words of my loving friends. But I don't know that I've really known HIM, and I think that is a problem that touches every single part of my life. Some friends gave me a new Bible this week, and I think it's appropriate that it was during the first week of the new year - a time when we make goals, get new journals, plan to read the Bible in a year. I know that for me, God cannot be a goal on my list this year. (There's a little more to Him than that.) I'm embarrassed to admit where I am - a "shirker and a slacker" as one website puts it, but I am. And I also need to look outside of myself a bit more, and be accountable to people, as well as holding them accountable if they want it and loving them in every way I'm capable. Lofty goals? Perhaps, but worthier ones than cutting my carbs this week.



I promise to be back to my not-so-serious self as soon as I get through the crap at work, and get a little reading in my new Book under my belt.