Spring cleaning

What to say? So many things I could share, vent about, muse upon... Friday I ripped one of my classes for being "jerks" - it was the cleanest thing I could think to call them at the moment, and tonight as I journaled, I felt bad about it. They completely deserved it, and more, but I watched this teacher of the year nominee on the news tonight, and she said something about how she just plants seeds like a farmer, knowing that any little thing she says might have impact on a kid later on... blah, blah, blah, and I'm thinking "Oh, s**t." I certainly have said some things that I hope do NOT come up in their psyches at some point in the future. There is too much inherent responsibility in being a teacher, and sometimes I feel the weight of that responsibility. I hate the vulnerability of teaching - yesterday I longed for a desk job where I did not have to face 90 people each day for long stretches of time and have to put on a face no matter what I might be feeling inside. Every day, no matter what, I'm gonna be in front of people. A lot like an entertainer, I guess. Though my mean kids would say I don't entertain them...

I prayed tonight for some sort of togetherness and purposefulness in my life - like having my closet more organized is going to help me feel better about myself. I don't know what it takes, really. But I know that there are days where the messiness of my desk or my bathroom counter or the inside of my car mirrors the mess that I am inside, and I can't help but wonder if it works the other way around, too: clean up the outside and the inside will follow.

Here's to spring cleaning.