Long time...

...no see. That feels like my message to - me. It's been a long time like I felt like myself, much less an apropo message for my blog posts. Can I even call it a blog if it's been 3 weeks since I posted? Barely, I guess.

I'm in my last week of school. Funny how the end of school comes at JUST the right time. I really don't think I can take much more. It's just freaking exhausting. And you know me - you know that I love teaching 90% of the time. There is a REASON we get two months in the summer to recuperate from the year and to plan for the next one. I already have five days (that's a work week!) committed to school obligations this "summer", so with my three trips out of town already, well, pool time is already severely cut. It will be a very different summer than last.

I have had three very frustrating situations in the last two days. Very. And all of them "I lost." I was justified in my frustration, I put forth my best effort, and it didn't matter. I lost. My friend J said tonight among other wise and comforting things, that my frustrations were very warranted and realistic, and things just suck, but encouraged me not to give in to letting that decide how I'm going to feel: about life, about self.

But here's what I realize from that (and what my prayer was last night and today): my sinfulness comes in - my shitty, damaged, woefully inadequate heart comes in and goes from hurt, to anger, to self-righteousness, to self-hatred because of my self-righteousness (I think that last one is, what they say in the biz, "the problem.") I can't stand feeling so "right" but then not having the victory that comes from being "right."

For example (this would be #3), being "right" about knowing that I told the Great Clips girl to trim my bangs between eyebrows and middle of the eye, hearing her repeat that, and then looking at my bangs 1/2 inch ABOVE my eyebrows. Being "right" does not help my hair grow back. I do not "win" anything by being "right" in that situation, do I? I just suffer with hating my FACE for a month or so while my hair slowly grows back. I look like a 5-year-old. In 1965.

Haha. OH we chuckle at the woes of a "bad haircut." SO why does it feel like another kick in the teeth? From - who? I don't know. I'm not gonna say God, because He doesn't give a rat's ass about my bangs. That's silly. But I'm pissed because it feels like I fucked up (again) when all I did was try to check something off my un-ending to-do list, and now it's derailed me even further from where I was earlier today (in a not-so-great, but livable place.)

I laugh at the thought that strangers (people I've never met) read this through links to other friends' blogs, as they must think "WHO THE FUCK is this head case that ____ is friends with?" I swear, my blog is usually bitchy-ly fun and a type of disgruntled commentary on "life as we know it." Sorry, Casual Visitor. Just going through a rough patch here, and I'm going to get it all OUT. I hope to be back to some sort of normal programming come June-ish.

This is what I mean about "Long time no see" - I miss me. I know I am in here somewhere. Really.

Please.