My life just hurts. I don't know how to write this in a way that is interesting or helpful to people (person?) that read here, but it's just so painful for me to try to write about life right now.
When I started this blog, it was anecdotal and newsy, with opinions and thoughts on everyday shite. But now - I just hurt. And I feel bad for my few friends that occasionally check in here to know what's up with me, because it used to be a pretty accurate report on my mood - you know, what movie I was excited about seeing next, and oh here's a funny little ditty about my silly students - aren't they cute! (They are.) But lately - today especially - what to write that's not discouraging? I can't LIE. It's like - beyond my capabilities as an actress to blog without being COMPLETELY transparent. I put at least the last five blogs I've posted since August back in "draft" mode because I hate my voice and I don't want that stuff out there. I guess I'll eventually put it back up, because it's valuable as a record of those experiences. But my God does it hurt right now.
I know. Awkward reading. What do you say? Think? What should I really share here, now that this address is known by my 186 some-odd Facebook friends? Maybe 3 of them have noticed it, hopefully. If that. (Who am I fucking kidding? They don't notice me - period.) I got an awesomely encouraging email a minute ago from a good friend from screenwriting school, and she said she's like a "stalker" of my blog and likes reading it. And I felt happy for a minute, and then I just cried. Why would you read this? Why do I write this? I think my hope is that in the process of writing, I will find something to say that is worth my processing. To make sense out of the ache is my ultimate hope, but... it's not happening tonight.
It's 2:43 AM, and I'm home from a night out that was just dreaded, and ended as badly as I absolutely knew it would. What do I do with that? I knew knew knew how it would be, and I just fell for that little stupid bitch in my head that says "No, maybe it won't be like that." She is always an idiot, and she makes me do really stupid things. Like trust people with my heart. Or hope for stuff.
Regardless of tonight, it doesn't really matter - I am actually smart enough to look at life and see what it is. Read it in all it's large-print glory. But I'm also gullible for hope, and tonight I feel sucker-punched because of my stupidity and naivete and hopefulness. If I were my friend, I would be so much kinder that I am to myself. I just can't find it in me to speak that truth of comfort and that push toward remembering reality. I can't feel it. My heart just hurts. Tremendously. I don't know how you recover from that. I don't know how people survive much worse things than my stupid little life trauma. I can barely keep my head above water. I picture Mel Gibson at the beginning of Lethal Weapon, despairing in his trailer, and I get that,even though his sadness was much more traceable than mine. I can trace it tonight, sure, but my pain is also bigger than tonight - it's ongoing, and frankly, appears insurmountable.
I think the hardest part of these months has been the growing sense of aloneness that I've felt. This summer was horrible. I did things that as transparent as my blog is, I'm not willing to write about. Things that would make a good movie (well, a really sad movie about a pathetic person.) And then the school year started, and things seemed better. Yes, there were big changes. But it's three months in, and now the most unbelievable thing - you won't believe me - but I prefer being at work to the weekends. Yes, I do love to sleep more than 6 1/2 hours. But at school I am needed, I am loved and laughed at (appropriately), and I feel purposeful. The weekend comes, and all I am reminded of is how alone I am. My phone does not ring, I don't get emails, people don't respond to my notes on their Facebook walls - I'm invisible. So of course I love school! Kids HAVE to acknowledge me! I'm at the front of the room!
But it's dark here. It's a really shitty season right now (my blog got an NC-17 rating, so I feel obliged to cuss freely.) I find myself bucking up to put on a face for my kids some moments and not answer their earnest questions about how I am or what I'm doing this weekend or how my weekend was - with brutal honesty. I have to remember that that's not for them to see, this broken real me. It would make some of them sad, some of them wigged, and yes, some of them probably vindicated in their suspicions about my pathetic-ness.
I'm going to bed. It's 3:00 and my chest feels like there's an anvil on it (I know - very original simile.) But it's absolutely accurate. So here ya go, D. Here's a blog post for you, and a shout out to the universe to please, please take it easy on this little corner for a bit. I don't have a lot of strength left to fight right now.
7 comments:
you're not invisible... you're quite real and quite marvelous. thank you.
I stumbled across your blog a long time ago now and i've always checked back in to see how you're doing. I think i've commented on a post of yours before (when i was under a different blog name) but did so because a lot of what you write and how you write it reminds me of myself. This is a very honest post and one I can sympathise with quite easily. I have no idea why i post either; its been a while since i've been able to articulate and untangle the horrid threads in my life and even then it doesn't make much sense to myself let alone anyone else. I guess we just have to remember that initially - and perhaps even ultimately - our blogs are for ourselves.
As much your honesty hurts, it does resonate and this post is one i wish i could write. I seem to have done the reverse of you: my blog originated from sorrow, anger and the weight of what was going on around which me which made me feel like i couldnt breathe. Now, i just cant write anymore and its all about the dull stuff in my life that no one wants to hear about. But in the hopes of just writing something, anything, i want to get back into a flow of things and step that little bit closer to being a good a writer as you are.
I guess i'm one of your blog 'stalkers' too!! You can blame Jude for that! :-)
Charlotte x
Danielle - you rock so f-ing much.
Charlotte - thank you so much for your kind, thoughtful, and yes, impactful words. If you know Jude, well, you must be quality. :) I'm humbled by your generosity in taking the time to write such encouragement to a friend of a friend across the ocean. I can tell from your comment that we do likely have much in common, and yes, you are already a good writer, so you got THAT going for you. Thank you.
What?! I do notice you AND often. I wish I could be there physically for you to hug you and tell you every day how beautiful you are. Yes, there is always hope, you just have to dig deep and find it. Maybe you are need of a trip? Say to Colorado? I cannot imagine that going home for the holidays is going to help any of this, but I am hopeful that you will go so you can be amongst people who love you. I hope you are better than when you blogged. I am off to bed, but will call tomorrow.
dear sweet friend...I wish I was closer and I'm workin on it because your arms need the hugs I gots, babe.
this post was a stretch you made...it was a good one...
see you on friday where I will buy you a margarita and offer up that hug.
Argh, I'm late to the party again, sorry sorry.
I know all about how women kill themselves with hope, but as much as you think it's never going to get better (and it might actually have by now, since I'm so late in commenting.) It WILL get better, I promise you. And then things will suck again, and it's an unfortunate wave cycle.
But here's the thing that I've learned: measure it in degrees. In baby steps. Are you gonna wake up and life will be perfect? Nope.
But days can be 2 degrees better than the day before, like a song on the radio, or a smile from a person, or other saccharine stuff because I can't think of a better example.
And those two degrees of Better do COUNT. Don't knock 'em because they're only two degrees.
I'm sending you lots of prayer and other assorted positive mental vibes, baby. Keep hanging in there, and email me if you need to! :)
YOU ROCK!!!!!
You are seen. You are seen, and not forgotten. I will believe it for you.
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