You know, I can be a real bitch sometimes. In fact, one of my students called me one a couple weeks ago - so hey! It MUST be true. But anyway, God is very patient to put up with my crap. I don't know right now how not to be angry and hopeless. I know that his word is not a magic book of promises that you can redeem at any time. I'm just frustrated at the way things have unfolded for me. So... yeah. I've been reminiscing about my 20's when I was pretty and popular and fun-loving - and I'm just missing myself - I miss having things to do and people to love and play with.
I need a renewal, and I need God to help me with that. And I'm going to leave the bitchy post below up, because God can handle my anger and complaining. And I'm going to get up each day, this purposeless summer, and find purpose, somehow, in some way. Here's hoping.
3 comments:
I think one of the best things about God is that he doesn't get mad at us when we get mad at Him.
People do, people will match your fire breathing anger with defensiveness and retaliation and "yeah? Well I gave you a, b, and c, you ungrateful brat!" But God doesn't do any of that.
God lets us feel what we feel, lets us be angry, and loves us anyway, no matter what fire breathing curses we spew up to Him. He never holds anything against us. It's impossible, it makes no sense, but that's the way He works. Thank goodness.
You know I've been right there with you in what you're feeling and going through, so I'm not gonna placate you with the whole "Cheer up lil' camper, things'll get better." (though I do wanna toss off the "God's the guy in the Goodyear blimp who sees the whole Rose Parade from beginning middle and end while you're only seeing the block in front of you." But I won't. 'Cause that doesn't help.)
I will say that what gets me out of bed a lot of the time is if I just focus on TODAY. Not OVERALL, just TODAY. I can handle TODAY. Can't handle OVERALL. But bite sized chunks o' life are manageable. For what it's worth.
Not gonna lie... I'm a little afraid to comment. :) But I want you to know I'm reading!
Oh, actually I do have a question. And I'm not trying to be obnoxous or send you a hidden message -- I really do want to know. (Ha! More fear.) But is God actively stopping you from acheiving your desires, or is He just not dropping them in your lap?
You know, Allison, the more I think about it, the more bugged I am about your question. Yes, because it comes across probably differently than you mean it to, but also because I don't think your either/or combination is correct. Neither one. And obviously I have not expected God to drop, say, a career into my life, because my careers are things in which I've worked very hard to attain success - but what about a spouse, as far as a desire of your heart goes? I'm talking about things that you're supposed to trust God for, like a mate, not things that you can work hard for and attain through your hard work and with God's blessing. I don't know. I think "19 years" is the clue that I'm not assuming that Beginning Relationship with Christ = desires of your heart dropped into your lap. I can't expect most people to understand, because let's face it: there are very few people in their mid-30's who are never married and don't want it to be that way. That was mainly what I was talking about.
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